If You Can't Say Anything Nice...
by Jenny7
Summary: Carter & Dave write their own version of the song "If I Had A Million Dollars" by BNL and get themselves into some trouble! PART TWO ADDED!
1. Default Chapter

"If You Can't Say Anything Nice...."  
  
Authors Note: This is my first ER story/song fic. I hope you all find this funny! It combines different events from almost every season. I guess you could say there's spoilers from seasons 1-7. =)   
  
Disclaimer: Did you really think I owned ER? Really....did you? I didn't think so. =) And "If I Had A Million Dollars" is owned by Bare Naked Ladies. I just mixed up their words a bit.  
  
  
Dave giggled as he added his last touches to the paper. From the other side of the admit desk, Randi spied. Dr. Greene approached her.  
"Hey Randi. Slow day?" He asked as he picked up a new chart. She popped her gum.  
"Could say that." She continued to watch Dave in curiosity. Mark followed her gaze to the wide grin on Malucci's face.   
"Dare I ask?"   
"He's been writing something for the last five minutes. Won't let anybody read it. I'm thinking maybe it's one of those hot romance novels people seem to like around here."   
Mark joined in her eavesdropping for a moment before heading towards Dave.   
  
"Hey Dave. What do you got there?" Dave quickly pulled the paper away.   
"Oh hey Dr. Greene.... its nothing important." He stuffed it into the pocket of his scrubs.   
"Right. Well get busy with something that is important then. Oh, and Dave? Watch where you put that. When those 'unimportant notes' get out there's always trouble." Dave grabbed a chart and turned toward the exam rooms.   
"I'll keep that in mind thanks!" He rushed away. Mark sighed.   
"That man scares me." He commented. Randi heard replied.   
"That man scares everybody."   
  
Carter left the exam room and made his final markings on the patients chart. Another long night with nothing but sore throats and rectals.   
'Maybe I should rethink that trust fund.." He thought half seriously. But the thought quickly left his mind as he noticed Dave Mulucci coming his way.   
"Hey Dave!" He walked up to him. "You got it?" A smile lit up both men's faces.   
"Yep....here." He pulled the folded up paper out of his pocket and handed it discreetly to Carter. "I finished off the middle. There's only a few lines left at the end." Both men's eyes shifted as some unknown doctors passed them.   
"Great....no one saw it right?"   
"Nope. I made sure of it." He leaned in closer. "Believe me if somebody did we'd be hearing about it by now!" They both chuckled.   
"Oh I think we'd be fired by now!" He looked up to see Kerry coming. "Well Dave I think that you should get a LP before you call a psych consult. OK?" Dave smiled knowingly.  
"Right thanks Carter!"   
  
LATER  
Carter laughed as he completed the last line. He was alone in the lounge for the moment and he had taken the opportunity to read Dave's additions.   
"Finished." He declared.   
"Finished with what?" Said a familiar voice from behind him. Carter jumped and slipped the paper into his pocket. He turned to see Peter Benton filling a cup of coffee.  
"Hey Dr. Benton. Just finished my...tax returns." He lied. Benton looked at him with narrow eyes.   
"Its October Carter." He laughed nervously.   
"Well...never too early to start right!" He stood quickly and hurried out of the lounge.   
Carter turned the corner to the elevator only to run head on into a disgruntled Luka Kovac. Papers flew throughout the hallway and scattered everywhere.   
"I'm sorry Carter. Are you ok?" Luka asked him, but he was too busy regaining his balance.  
"Yea...yea are you ok Dr. Kovac?" Luka nodded.   
"I think so." Both men gathered up their papers and went their separate ways. Luka reached the admit desk and began to reorganize his charts.   
"What's this?" He asked no one in particular. Randi took the liberty of answering.   
"What's what?" Luke unwrapped the mysterious paper and began to read.   
  
  
'If I Had A Million Dollars' by John Carter & Dave Malucci   
  
If I had a $1000000  
(If I had a $1000000)  
I'd buy Jerry a mouse  
(I would buy Jerry a mouse)  
If I had a $1000000  
(If I had a $1000000)  
I'd buy Romano some hair  
(Maybe a nice toupee or a hair weave)  
And if I had a $1000000  
(If I had a $1000000)  
I'd buy Luka some shampoo  
(To wash out all that gooey hair gel)  
  
If I had $1000000 I'd save your life.   
If I had a $1000000  
I'd build a Starbucks in the lounge  
If I had $1000000  
We'd drink cappuccino all night long   
If I had $1000000  
Maybe we could move Doc Magoo's into the hospital  
We could have like, a 24 hour drive through window   
Like order on the way to the lab  
If our foods not there when we get back its free!  
Oh it would be there, we'd just order it stat!   
  
If I had $1000000  
(If I had $1000000)  
I'd buy Abby some new stories  
(Anything but OB that's just cruel!)  
And if I had $1000000  
(If I had a $1000000)  
I'd buy Kerry a new cane  
(With Festus inscribed on the handle)  
And if I had $1000000  
(If I had a $1000000)  
I'd buy Jing Mei a new name  
(Maybe something we could all pronounce)  
  
And If I had $1000000 I'd save your life.   
If I had a $1000000  
We wouldn't have to Q and A charts  
If I had a $1000000  
We'd get the med students to do our parts  
If I had a $1000000  
We wouldn't have to perform rectals  
But we would do rectals   
Of course we would, just not on cross dressers named Vanessa!  
And we could play music all day long  
But no Grace Jones! That'll drive a guy CRAZY!  
Crazy eh?  
  
If I had $1000000  
(If I had $1000000)  
I'd buy Peter a new girlfriend  
(But not another robot, that's cruel)  
And if I had $1000000  
(If I had $1000000)  
I'd buy Mark a good lawyer  
(Maybe Johnny Cochran if he's free)  
If I had $1000000  
(If I had $1000000)  
I'd buy Maggie Doyle her job back  
(Didn't she get abducted by aliens or something?)  
  
If I had $1000000  
I'd save your life  
If I had $1000000, If I had $1000000  
If I had $1000000, If I had $1000000  
I would quit!  
  
  
He smiled for a while, then his smile faded to a scowl.   
When he looked up Mark, Abby, and Kerry had joined them.   
"What is it Luka?" Abby asked.   
"I think you need to read this for yourselves." He handed Abby the paper to read who responded with a "They're dead!" Mark laughed until he found his name. And Kerry just shook her head and sighed.   
"Well..." Said Mark after a moments silence. "I think we need to teach these two a lesson...don't you?"  
  
  
End of Part One. Hope you liked it!  



	2. What Goes Around Comes Around

Authors Note: First of all, I would like to go on the record as saying that John Carter is VERY good looking! The comments made in this story are not my opinion, just some harmless sparring between two of my favorite characters. =) So please don't be offended. Also, thanks to all those who reviewed the first part of this story. I'm so happy you all liked it, I'm not very experienced at writing comedic fan fiction. Oh, and there's very light swearing in this and I've starred it out, but just in case this chapter is rated PG13.   
  
Disclaimer: Don't worry...I'm not taking credit for the show. Although I do worship the genius mind behind it...and tend to be obsessed with it from time to time. Is that a crime? If so...brake out the handcuffs! Also, the song at the end is by Offspring and I've also placed the names of two BNL band members in this story. So consider it a tribute to a good band. =)   
  
  
What Goes Around Comes Around  
  
Dave Malucci hurried into the lounge, desperate for a cup of coffee.  
"Hey Dave." Elizabeth Corday greeted him.   
"Hey Dr. Corday. How's it going?"   
"Not bad. And you?" She poured the last cup of coffee and began to brew a new pot.   
"I am off in..." He checked the clocked excitedly. "a half hour. I am going home, where I will fall into my nice warm bed and pass out for the next twenty four hours." His hands moved as fast as he talked and Elizabeth grinned.   
"That sounds nice." For a full moment Dave just looked at her, perplexed.   
"Nice? Oh its not nice. Its..." He stopped to snap his fingers and donned a slightly less childish tone. "exquisite." Elizabeth was now the perplexed one in the room. Just then John Carter entered the lounge smiling.   
"Excuse me?" Elizabeth inquired.   
"New word of the day Dave?" He smirked as he watched the coffee pot brew.   
"You know it man!" He transformed back into the clown that he was.   
"Dave got one of those 'improve your vocabulary' calendars for his birthday." Carter explained to Elizabeth, who still looked confused. "You know...learn a new six syllable word a day so that women will think he's smart." Dave glared at Carter, who shrugged it off with a chuckle.   
"Ah...I see." Elizabeth replied. "Well good for you Dave."   
"Thank you. At least someone appreciates my...my..." He scratched his head and reached for his coffee cup.  
"Efforts. hard work. attempts." Carter showed off as he poured his cup of coffee.   
"Whatever. At least I'm good looking...like to see you find a calendar to improve that Carter!" He snickered and pushed through the lounge door.   
  
FRONT DESK  
  
"Hey Randi. Seen Mark anywhere?" Lydia asked as she placed a large box on the desk.   
"I think he's still with a patient. What's that?" She asked, looking at the box. Lydia grinned.   
"Don't touch. Mark requested them. Wouldn't tell me why though."   
"Just like our Dr. Greene to harbor all the goodies for himself." Dave said as he passed the desk. "Save one for me would ya Lydia?" She just looked offended.   
"Doctors...think we're their indentured servants."   
"If a white coat made you a better person I would've been declared a saint a long time ago." Randi commented as she snapped her gum. Jing Mei approached the desk, looking none too happy.   
"Where's Carter? That guy is dead meat!" She said in anger.   
"Uh Oh. What'd he do now?" Lydia asked.   
"Long story." Randi explain. Suddenly she spotted Carter walking out of the lounge. "Carter! Hey Carter come here for a second." Randi called down the hall. Carter approached the front desk, an anxious look on his face.   
"Yes Randi?" He began to look through a pile of old charts that had been set on the desk. Lydia watched him in curiosity but Randi knew what he was looking for. Jing Mei was ready to explode, but Randi held her back. Before anyone could say a word Mark approached the desk.   
"Hey Carter." He said as he pressed his glasses up on his nose. "Lose something?" He smirked up at Randi.   
"Uh...no just...well yea maybe." He suddenly stopped looking and stared into space. "No actually I think I know exactly where it might be!" He glanced up at the board and spotted Luka's name. "I'll be in Exam 2 if anyone needs me." He raced off.   
  
"Those what I think they are Lydia?" Mark asked, pointing to the box. She stared at him curiously.   
"Yes Mark." She quickly snatched the container away. "But your not getting them until you all tell me what is going on here." Mark looked around the group.   
"Fair enough. I think Dr. Chen will want to hear this too." They drew themselves into a huddle.   
  
EXAM 2  
  
Carter peeked his head through the door just as Luka was finishing his explanation.   
"OK Mr. Tennyson, looks like your tests came back negative. I suspect that you just have a touch of the flu. Now go home and get plenty of bed rest and fluids." He looked up to see Carter looking down at him. "Excuse me for a moment sir, I'll be back with your discharge papers." He stood and followed Carter out into the hallway.   
"Is there a trauma coming in?" He asked.   
"No, actually I just needed to ask you something." He swayed from foot to foot. "Um...I think I might have lost some of my papers when we collided today in the hallway. I was wondering if you had noticed anything of mine mixed in with your charts." He sighed with relief as it all came out. Luka put his hand to his mouth and looked around the hallway, he had always been good at acting.   
"I'm afraid not Carter. Was this paperwork important?" He persisted. Carter looked at his feet before looking back up at Luka.   
"Sort of. Well listen if anything turns up let me know ok?" He pleaded.   
"Of course Carter. I will keep an eye out, as you say." Carter said his thank you's and retreated back towards the front desk. Luka leaned back against the wall and smiled sheepishly.   
"Not chickening out now are you Kovac?" He turned his head to see Abby standing next to him. She had overheard their conversation.   
"Are you kidding? Nobody makes fun of my hair!"   
  
  
FRONT DESK  
  
"...And might I say your looking very exquisite today Miss?" Dave smirked at the brunette from behind the front desk.   
  
"Tennyson. Mrs. Tennyson. I'm looking for my husband, he came straight from work." She explained, wringing her hands nervously. Dave's expression dropped.   
"Right...your husband." He surveyed his surroundings until he found Chuny sorting charts in the hallway. "Hey Chuny! Can you show Mrs. Tennyson to..." He glanced up at the board. "Exam two."   
"Dave I'm..." She began.  
"Just follow that nurse right over there maam. And tell your husband that I hope he feels better ok? Take care now." He waved her on and sighed heavily. "Man all the good ones are either married, gay, or doing the PID shuffle!"   
"Dave!" He heard his name being called and turned towards the hall. Carter was jogging towards him, looking flustered.   
"Hey Carter. Finish yet?" He leaned in closely. Carter cleared his throat as Kerry appeared next to them. "Oh hey Chief! What's happening?"   
"Well not much Dave, just work. Some of us do still do that you know?" She shot back. Carter rubbed the back of his neck with his hand nervously.   
"I'm off in fifteen minutes, give me a break would ya?" He defended. Carter held his breath, bracing for the comeback.   
"Well Dave maybe if you buy me something nice...say a new cane, I will consider that. But for now I believe there are a couple leg lacs waiting for you two in the suture room." She handed them two charts and stormed off. Dave and Carter stared at her in confusion.   
"Uh...Carter?" Dave began. Carter motioned towards the men's room and Dave followed closely behind.   
"We are in serious trouble!" Carter explained as soon as he checked every stall. Dave just watched him pace.   
"What do you mean?"   
"What you mean what do I mean?!" He paused to rethink the question. "Look you heard her! She knows Dave. She read it."   
"Whoa Whoa Carter slow down dude! How could she read it? You have it, right?" There was a short silence. "Carter you do have it?"   
"Not exactly." He said. "I bumped into Luka in the hallway earlier. We dropped our stuff everywhere. I think it may have gotten mixed up in his stuff."   
"You lost it?!" Dave exclaimed.   
"Yes Dave I lost it." Dave put his hands behind his head and paced for a moment.   
"OK...we're making a big deal out of nothing. I'm sure none of them found it. Weaver was probably just a coincidence."   
"Some coincidence."   
"Look man we just act normal ok? It'll all blow over soon enough. You know how gossip goes around here...by tomorrow there's bound to be another pregnant staff member and our little song will be forgotten."   
"Now that you mention it...we do seem to forget things a lot around here." Carter replied hopefully.  
"Yea...I mean one day a guys standing in the middle of a downpour begging cars to run over him and the next no one remembers he existed..."   
"Exactly. We'd better go check out those leg lacs before Weaver uses her cane on us." Carter said. Dave laughed.  
"Yea, maybe we'd better buy her one made out of Styrofoam!"   
  
  
THE LOUNGE  
  
"I still don't get it..." Peter mumbled as he read over the song for the fourth time. "Robot? What's so funny about that?"   
"Shut up Peter." Cleo replied in her monotone voice.   
"So is everyone up to speed?" Mark asked the room.   
"I think so. But I still have one question." Jing Mei said.   
"What's that?"   
"Why can't we just KILL THEM?!" She asked angrily.   
"Because...then we'd have to save them. And that would be no fun." Abby answered.   
"I think we can all agree on that." Luka added. Abby stopped to reflect.  
"You know...this is a lot of fun. In OB we...."   
"ABBY!" They rest of the group shouted.  
"What?" She asked sheepishly. They just ignored her.  
"Lydia, got the supplies?" Mark asked.   
"Yep. My cousin DJ's. He owed me one." She pulled out a boom box and two microphones.   
"Great....lets have some fun." They followed Mark out.   
  
  
SUTURE ROOM  
  
Dave and Carter looked around the room in puzzlement.   
"Uh...where's the patient?" Dave asked no one in particular. Carter examined the chart in his hand.   
"Good question. Hey...is there a history on your chart? All mine has is a name...Steven Page."   
Dave looked down at his.   
"Hmm...Ed Robertson. No other info here." Suddenly a scrap of paper fell from the chart and landed on the floor at his feet. "Wait...something just fell out." He picked it up, his eyes widening with every moment. Carter looked at him, uneasy.   
"Dave? Dave what is it?" He silently looked up at Carter, eyes still wide as saucers.   
"Don't freak out or anything dude, but I think I think I just found our song." He held the paper up for Carter to see, a slight grin creeping across his lips.   
"What?" He hurried over to Dave and looked at the familiar paper for himself. "No...no this is impossible." He and Dave raised their heads and looked at each other, confusion in their eyes.   
  
Suddenly the doors to the suture room closed and Dave and Carter looked up at their coworkers.   
"Hey Carter. I see you found your missing paperwork." Luka spoke first. Carter opened his mouth to speak but nothing came out.   
"Save it Carter we all read yours and Malucci's little rendition of a perfectly acceptable song." Kerry appeared at the front of the group. Included were Peter, Luka, Abby, Mark, Elizabeth, Jing Mei, Cleo, Randi, Lydia, Malik, and Chuny. "Now, we're all wondering just how serious you were about those little comments."   
Dave and Carter glanced at each other and stammered for a moment. Then Dave jumped in.   
"Serious?! What? You thought we were serious...I'm appalled that you, our friends..." He put his arm around Carter's shoulders. Carter just shuttered. "would believe that we actually thought those terrible things about you." He paused to wipe a non-existent tear from his eye. "That really hurts.."   
The group just glanced at each other and groaned.   
"Malucci you little...." Jing Mei pushed her way towards him but Peter held her back.   
"Relax Dr. Chen. These two will get what's coming to them." Mark assured her. Dave pulled him arm from around Carter and folded them across his chest. Carter just glared at him and reluctantly stepped forward.  
"Everybody, Dave and I would like to apologize for our actions. We never intended to hurt anyone's feelings." He stopped to glance at Dave behind him. "We're deeply and truly sorry and if there's anyway we can make it up to you..."   
Kerry cut him off. "Well Carter...since your so willing." She walked over to a box and pulled out two microphones. "We all know that you two have a passion for song writing. So we all thought that we should give you a chance to show off your singing voices as well." Dave grunted and gave Carter an urgent stare.   
"Right here? Now?" Carter questioned, shock emanating from his face.   
"What's a matter Carter, suddenly reluctant to share your talent with us?" Mark inquired with a grin.   
"Yea Carter, you've never been quiet before so don't start now." Peter added. Dave jumped forward.   
  
OK! OK! You've all have your fun. Ha Ha very funny! You got us back. We'll never do it again, scouts honor." He held his hands up as if approaching a wild animal.   
"I don't recall you ever mentioning you were a scout Dave." Abby said.   
"Well..I..uh.." Was his reply.   
"No matter. Our fun is just beginning." Luka interrupted him.   
Kerry stepped closer, holding out the microphones.   
"No! You can't make us do this! Its against the law...I think. Carter?" Dave looked at his partner in crime, who just looked hopeless.   
"You know this isn't very nice. We apologized, we learned our lesson. Can't we just call a truce?" Carter attempted. The others seem to consider for a moment. Carter looked hopeful. A minute later Kerry stepped closer to the two, microphones still in hand.   
"Two choices. Sing...or we page Ramano." Kerry smiled at their shock.   
"I'm sure he'd be thrilled to hear about your little hair comment." Cleo said. Luka glared at her. She didn't notice. Dave and Carter looking at each other helplessly.   
"I think they got us Dave." Carter admitted, a slight smile crept across his face at the cleverness of his coworkers.   
Dave swallowed, and stepped towards them. "One song, then were even."   
The group glanced at each other, grinning. "Deal."   
  
  
TEN MINUTES LATER: FRONT DESK  
  
Mark tapped on the microphone once before speaking. "Good Evening everybody and welcome to County General Hospital. We have a quick show for you while you wait. Our own Drs. John Carter and Dave Malucci will be gracing us with their singing voices...which I guarantee will bring tears to your eyes." He glanced over at Dave and Carter...who just looked pained.   
  
Peter appeared and handed them two song sheets. Carter froze with shock.   
"No way Dr. Benton. I never agreed to this!" Carter pointed to the words for emphasis. Peter just laughed.   
"Sorry Carter...it was Abby's and Jing Mei's choice." He looked up to see both woman giggling and waving at him.   
"Great...what did I do to deserve this again?" Carter asked.   
"Hey...what goes around comes around Carter." Peter replied. "Oh! And I don't know what you meant by 'robot' but I don't want to hear that from you again got it?" Carter nodded.  
"Got it Dr. Benton. I'll never mention the word again." He chuckled under his breath as Peter walked away.   
"Hey Carter can you believe this?! This is one of my favorite songs!" Dave rambled. Carter just stared at him and shook his head.   
  
"And without further ado, here are our performers for tonight. Carter and Dave!" Mark handed them the two microphones and untangled himself from the cords before selecting a song on the boom box.   
  
Carter reluctantly took a microphone as Dave grabbed it greedily. The music began and the staff stood back and watched the humiliation in progress.   
  
  
"Pretty Fly For A White Guy"  
  
You know it's kind of hard   
Just to get along today  
Our subject isn't cool   
But he fakes it anyway  
He may not have a clue   
And he may not have style  
But everything he lacks  
Well he makes up in denial  
  
Dave sang into the microphone enthusiastically and Carter laughed at his antics. The rest of the staff was almost on the floor in laughter.   
  
  
So don't debate, a player straight  
You know he really doesn't get it anyway  
He's gonna play the field, and keep it real  
For you no way, for you no way  
So if you don't rate, just overcompensate  
At least you'll know you can always go on Ricki Lake  
The world needs wannabe's  
So do that brand new thing  
  
Carter began to dance wildly and sing as Dave jumped to the floor and began brake dancing.   
  
  
Give to me baby! Uh huh Uh huh  
Give it to me baby! Uh huh Uh huh  
Give it to me baby! Uh huh Uh huh  
All the girlies say I'm pretty fly for a white guy  
  
Abby, Luka, and Jing Mei laughed hysterically. Suddenly Luka ran to the men's room, igniting more laughter from the staff.   
  
  
He needs some cool tunes  
Not just any will suffice  
But they didn't have Ice Cube  
So he bought Vanilla Ice  
Now cruising in his Pinto, he sees homies as he pass  
But if he looks twice  
They're gonna kick his lily a**  
  
Dave jumped onto a nearby gurney and danced. Carter danced through hallway, sticking the microphone in front of Jing Mei and Abby's faces. They joined in the singing and soon the whole staff was singing along.   
  
  
Now he's getting a tattoo   
He's gettin' ink done  
He asked for a '13', but they drew a '31'  
Friends say he's trying too hard  
And he's not quite hip  
But in his own mind  
He's the dopest trip  
  
Dave jumped off the gurney and began dancing with Chuny. Carter partnered up with Abby, since Luka was still in the men's room. Peter and Cleo and Mark and Elizabeth began dancing as well.   
  
  
So don't debate, a player straight  
You know he really doesn't get it anyway  
He's gonna play the field, and keep it real  
For you no way, for you no way  
So if you don't rate, just overcompensate  
At least you'll know you can always go on Ricki Lake  
The world needs wannabe's  
The world loves wannabe's  
So let's get some more wannabe's  
And do that brand new thing  
  
  
~Carter & Dave learned their lesson. They have developed a code name for every staff member in the ER. =) What? Did you actually think they'd stop writing songs?   
  
  
The END...and they lived happily ever after...  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  



End file.
